Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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