Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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