I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
