He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
