I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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