pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
