I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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