Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
