yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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