You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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