I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
