Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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