he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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