it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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