I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
