i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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