Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize