Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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