i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Randomize
