no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
