I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
