i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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