Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
