yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
