My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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