when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
