We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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