Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
