we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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