i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
