Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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