I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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