RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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