ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
