Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Randomize
