happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The uberlube is also flammable
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
last night I used snow as a chaser
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
