I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
