We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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