we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Randomize
