he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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