She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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