I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
