new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
