Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
