I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
