Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
