I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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