zippers are such a cool invention
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
