U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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