We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
