My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
