k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
