At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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