wanna go halves on a baby?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
