So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
