the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
