I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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