if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
