I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
