Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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