I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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