careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
