Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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