I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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